The Douche Dictionary

Ok, so the Strokes, White Stripes, Vines, etc... get the tag of Garage Rock. As douche as that is already, we're not going there today. Mostly because calling Jack White a douche has a potential for this to happen:

(if you really need to know what happened to this bruised up douchebag, go here: http://www.nme.com/news/107055.htm)

So, there's another set of bands that need a new genre name. Because these bands are mostly populated by limp wristed and depressed songsters apparently still pining for their grade 11 ex-girlfriends, I think I can take them on:

Iron and Wine -> Wispy Rock:

Oh, I'm sorry. I totally fell asleep writing about Iron and Wine. God knows what would happen if I actually listened to them.

The Postal Service -> Yearn Rock:

Half-baked melodies buried underneath layers of bleep/bloop production! Hurray! Let's talk about my pain.... for fixe, six minutes at a time! Love me please!

Extra douche points for being on the Garden State soundtrack.

Death Cab for Cutie -> Wank Rock:

I rarely judge a book by its cover, but with a name like Death Cab for Cutie, all I can see is 'I need to be punched by Jack White'.

Elliot Smith -> Overwrought Rock:

Yeah yeah, before posting all of those 'ooh... picking on the dead guy' posts, I know he's dead. And painfully too (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/3358779.stm). Yes, he must have lived with extreme grief. We get it. He's dead gone bye-bye.

Sad? Yes

Overwrought douchebaggery? Heck yes.

Bright Eyes -> Flask Rock:

Not only does he admit to drinking absinthe: http://www.rollingstone.com/news/story/8957277/bright_eyes/?rnd=1141410132917&has-player=true&version=6.0.12.857

the 'man' has also used the word 'flask' in one of his songs (Lua): 'I got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train'. Imagine the gawky guy in your grade 12 class wearing full out goth gear, putting on after school plays in the theatre no one goes to and then afterwards blaming the lack of audience on 'no one understanding my artistic vision'. That's Bright Eyes. With a voice that kind of sounds like a softly blown duck whistle. With a lisp.

If you don't live in the 19th century with a massive drinking problem but carry a flask around, Jack White will be looking for you. See the above picture for details.

Obviously constipated with pretension, we now have another candidate to make the Douchebag Hall of Fame. Congrats!