iDouche-Tunes

(the Aural Douchebag will not pay one dollar to make these men go away)

A few weeks ago, I posed a question to the Literate Douchebag:

If every song cost one dollar to go away forever and you had five dollars, how would you spend your five bucks?

With index finger to the chin, eyes to the sky and farting/pensive face in full force, here are my candidates, complete with conclusion:

Mark Morrison - Return of the Mack:

Paying one dollar to make this song go away will forever erase high school memories of people referring to themselves as a "mack" and forever erase future memories of people who think they're still in high school refer to themselves as a "mack".

However, listen to the guy's voice. I'm convinced he's had some kind of operation that is the opposite of a tracheotomy.

Key lines:

"Oh mah gawd!"
"Whah yu did, whah yu di i id"

Go into any shopping mall (and/or night club) and sing "Oh mah gawd!"exactly like Mark Morrison and I'm convinced everyone will know what you're singing. It's THAT iconic. Why would I ever make it go away?

Celine Dion - My Heart Will go on:

Is the song bad or is it the french-Canadian delivery?

I'm going to go with both. Nevertheless, I get a kick out of her chest beating. Without this song (which launched her career into superstardom), we would have missed the Egyptian style wedding with the Buddha-like husband, her freaky book of portrait photographs and her subsequent (yet lucrative) exile to a Las Vegas venue. Definitely not worth the dollar.

James Blunt - You're Beautiful:

The horrifying nature of this song has already been covered here. With a voice like a broken whistle, a staggeringly vapid song about someone James Blunt saw on a train and wanted to do the nasty with, and tupperware-squeaky clean production, it's a perfect recipe for douchebaggery.

However, sing it and be prepared to entertain yourself for hours, if not weeks on end. It's like the year when you and your buddies couldn't stop imitating Raine Maida in Our Lady Peace's 'Superman's Dead' and then broke out in stitches.

In short, there's no way I would pay a dollar for this song to go away forever. 'H....iiiiit's truh!'

Billy Joel- We Didn't Start the Fire:

Forever remembered as the song that permanently put The Joel in the adult contemporary/smooth rock arena. What a shame on an otherwise brillant career (we won't get into the disasters that were The Bridge, Garth Brooks covering 'Shameless' and Atilla today).

As awful as that song is, with a gun pressed to my head, I can recite the verses of that song in probably a touch over 90 seconds. It's impressive. It's kind of like that old Ben Stiller movie Mystery Men where a bunch of superheroes had useless superpowers. Reciting the verses on this song faster than Billy Joel could probably do it is my power.

I wouldn't make that go away for anything.

Any song from N'SYNC, New Kids on the Block, 98 Degrees, Backstreet Boys, etc...:

If you had the opportunity to make one of any boy-band song to go away forever, isn't that kind of like killing one ant in a 10 foot tall ant hill? What a waste of money.

Besides, that music is made for 12 year old girls with secret crushes on the boy next door who looks kind of like Frankie Muniz and 12 year old boys who don't know they're gay yet. It also does a fantastic job of entertaining that demographic. Only douchebags would want to take away entertainment from a child.

So at the end of all this I'm left still with five bucks. The point is, no song is worth vaporizing off the face of this earth. I'd rather hang out with a dozen Joey Fatone fans who don't give a JC Chavez about what you listen to than one Arcade Fire fan who would actually pay money to make a piece of music go away forever.

Don't be a douchebag, save your money.