Put on your headphones and douchebag it!

Sunday, March 12, 2006

The Douche High Five II


5. Douchebag Defcon 5: Californian Authorities

For ordering Michael Jackson to shut down Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. So you're telling me that the law-makers in California wants to shut down Jackson's fun palace/kiddie harem otherwise known as the only place they'll ever catch Michael doing the statutory dance? It's kind of like shutting down Amsterdam's red light district to crack down on prostitution.

The only reason why this isn't making top douchebag award is because they shut it down because MJ didn't pay 30 of his staff to the tune of $169K. If I were the DA's office, I'd pay that money out of pocket just to keep that place alive.

4. I Know What You Douched Last Summer: Scott Stapp

Poor Scott Stapp. Not only does his last name resemble some kind of strain of Clymidia (i.e. "dude, I slept with some nasty girl the other week. I think I got The Stapp."), but he runs into a bevy of legal troubles.

I'm not going to poke fun of an obvious alcoholic. I'm sure there's enough people out there who are into that.

But this is for him actually stopping the release of a sex tape during his year long philandering a couple years ago. Let's get this straight, the massively popular Creed shuts down and he goes into solo mode. That's a tough move and he needs all the momentum he can get. Did he not watch Paris Hilton's sex tape?

My god, it even has Kid Rock as a supporting act. That's like putting Vogue-era Maddonna in an orgy; redundant, but the mathematical equivalent of putting an exponential figure on infinity.

3. Unkempt and Smells of Serious Funk: MuchMusic

For their MuchMusic VJ search. The once mighty music video Canadian giant who once employed the likes of George Stroubouloplous, Rachel Perry and Master T have entered the one-way street into MTV flashy douchebaggery.

Part Big Brother, Survivor and the Apprentice, it has none of the isolation elements, survival or star power of Donald Trump to make it anything but a show to point out how bad their current VJ's are. Name 5 real quick not named Rick the Temp.

2. Disease Ridden Canal: The Rolling Stones

For agreeing to censor some of their "offensive" material. This shouldn't need to be looked into in depth, but the once Liam Gallagher-like Mick Jagger has officially lost his swagger. Sigh. Keith Richards must have rolled over in his grave. Ba-dum-ching!

1. Douchebuggery Extravaganza: Pitchforkmedia.com

I'm not kidding, these guys are running their own music festival. Call in the fourth horseman.

Now, I'm not against a bunch of people running a music festival. But have you ever seen Rolling Stone, NME, Q, MOJO, etc... run their own festival? Sure they host award ceremonies, but they're mostly harmless event gatherings to create a little news.

These guys don't run their own music festivals because as people who affect the music landscape with their own ramblings of what to listen to and what not to listen to, they have a rudimentary understanding of impartiality to the bands they cover.

Back to Pitchfork. Interestingly enough Mission of Burma is playing. Same with Spoon. These guys are probably taking a pay cut to be there, hence giving Pitchfork a favour. Do you think these bands will ever recive an impartial review ever again?

In setting up a festival, Pitchfork have changed from being observers to becoming part of it all. This is a web magazine that purports itself to find new and great music because the mainstream simply isn't good enough. Little do they understand that all music, little or big, all belong in the pop music mainstream. That smell coming from here, it's pretentiousness.

Congrats, by ditching their journalistic observer status, they're now pissing in the well they drink from.

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